Abigail's Party Read online

  TONY: I suppose so.

  BEVERLY: Don’t you, Sue?

  SUSAN: Possibly.

  BEVERLY: I mean, take Peter Sellers for example. Now he had been married at least five or six times.

  SUSAN: Four, actually.

  BEVERLY: Is it four, Sue?

  ANGELA: Well, look at Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton.

  BEVERLY: Now to me, their relationship was ridiculous. I think they made a mockery of marriage. I think it was disgusting.

  ANGELA: They only did it for the publicity.

  BEVERLY: I mean, with these film stars, I reckon half the time the attraction is purely physical.

  ANGELA: They did it in the jungle.

  BEVERLY: Yeah. I mean, to a film star, getting divorced is like going to the lavatory, if you’ll pardon my French. But to us, it’s a big wrench, isn’t it, Sue?

  SUSAN: Yes, of course.

  ANGELA: Yes.

  SUSAN: But I think that film stars only get married because the public expects it.

  BEVERLY: Do you?

  SUSAN: Yes. I do.

  ANGELA: I think people take divorce for granted. I think if they stuck it out, they’d be all right, don’t you?

  BEVERLY: Yeah. But, mind you, there are times, Ang, let’s face it, when you could hit them on the head with a rolling-pin, and clear out. D’you know what I mean?

  ANGELA: Yeah, well, that’s like Tony and me. I mean we’ve only been married nearly three years, but we’re always having rows, aren’t we?

  TONY: Yeah.

  BEVERLY: She give you a bad time, Tone?

  TONY [taking a drink]: Ta. Shocking.

  ANGELA: And I think it spoils things, doesn’t it?

  SUSAN: Yes, it does.

  BEVERLY: Mind you, I reckon a little row sometimes adds a sparkle to a relationship. You know.

  ANGELA: Did you have a lot of rows with your husband?

  SUSAN: No, we didn’t, actually.

  ANGELA: Oh.

  BEVERLY: Well, there you go, you see, it doesn’t always follow. It’s funny, isn’t it? D’you think people should get married, Tone?

  TONY: Sometimes.

  ANGELA: Oh, he’s not so sure, you see, since he’s been married to me!

  BEVERLY: Perhaps we should all live in sin, and forget the whole, thing, I don’t know.

  ANGELA: Did you live with Laurence before you got married?

  BEVERLY: No, I didn’t, actually.

  ANGELA: D’you think if you had have done, you’d still have married him?

  BEVERLY: No, I don’t honestly think I would have done. Don’t get me wrong: I do love Laurence, in my own way. But, if we’d have lived together, say for a year, I don’t honestly think it would have worked out.

  [Pause.]

  TONY: I think if you’re going to have kids you ought to get married.

  BEVERLY: Oh, yeah, definitely, Tone, give them a name, yeah.

  ANGELA: Yes.

  BEVERLY: You’ll be having all this soon, Sue. Do you think Abigail is the marrying type?

  SUSAN: I hope so.

  ANGELA: Oh, you’ll probably be getting married again yourself soon!

  SUSAN: Oh, I don’t think that’s very likely.

  ANGELA: You never know. ’Cos I never thought anyone would marry me. And you see, I met Tony and we were married within a year, weren’t we?

  TONY: Eight months.

  ANGELA: Yes. So you see, it can happen.

  SUSAN: Really?

  ANGELA: Have you got a boyfriend?

  SUSAN: No.

  [Pause.]

  BEVERLY: Would you like to have kids, Ang?

  ANGELA: Yes. Yes, I would.

  BEVERLY: Would you, Tone?

  TONY: Not for a while.

  ANGELA: Not till we get settled in.

  BEVERLY: Yeah, get yourself sorted first, yeah. He’d make a nice dad, though, wouldn’t he?

  ANGELA: Yes.

  BEVERLY: I could just see you, actually, with a little boy – you know: taking him out, and looking after him!

  ANGELA: Be nice to have one of each.

  BEVERLY: Yes, like Sue. It’s funny, though, with Sue’s kids, to me, Abigail and Jeremy aren’t a bit alike. Are they, Sue?

  SUSAN: No. They’re not.

  BEVERLY: They’re like chalk and cheese, Ang.

  ANGELA: Do they take after you or your husband?

  SUSAN: Neither of us, really: Jeremy looks more like my brother. Abigail doesn’t look like anyone in the family.

  BEVERLY: The Black Sheep. Eh, Sue: how did Jeremy get on packing his little overnight bag?

  SUSAN: Oh, he loved it!

  BEVERLY: Did he? Yeah! You know what kids are like, Sue was telling me, he was so excited about packing all his little things.

  SUSAN: He’d have taken the kitchen sink, if I’d let him.

  ANGELA: Where’s he gone?

  SUSAN: Round the corner.

  TONY: How old is he?

  SUSAN: Eleven-and-a-half.

  [Pause.]

  ANGELA: Would you like kids?

  BEVERLY: No, I don’t think I would, actually. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t like kids, ’cos I do, but, let me put it to you this way: I wouldn’t like to actually have to have them. I mean – did you have your kids in hospital, Sue?

  SUSAN: Yes.

  ANGELA: Did you have an easy labour?

  SUSAN: Well … Abigail was really very difficult. But Jeremy was fine. He was born very quickly.

  BEVERLY: Yes, you see, to me, having to go into hospital would be like being ill, and I couldn’t stand that. And I know it sounds horrible, but all that breast-feeding, and having to change nappies, would make me heave. I don’t honestly think I’ve got that motherly instinct in me.

  ANGELA: You see, it’d be different for me, ’cos I’m used to looking after children.

  BEVERLY: Yeah.

  ANGELA: And if I can look after a wardful of sick children, I can easily manage a couple of my own.

  BEVERLY: Yeah.

  ANGELA: Because the thing is, with children that are ill, is, that you’ve got to watch them every minute. Like, recently, we had this little girl, she was only about two, and she kept picking at her dressing. She picked it all off, and got right down into the wound –

  BEVERLY: I’m sorry, Ang, but would you stop? It’s just that if you carry on, I’ll faint.

  TONY: Leave it out, Ang!

  ANGELA: No, it’s all right, ’cos she wasn’t in any pain, but she actually got the stitches –

  TONY: Drop it!!

  [Pause.]

  ANGELA: Did you know my husband used to be a professional footballer?

  BEVERLY: Really?

  ANGELA: Yes, he used to play for Crystal Palace, didn’t you?

  TONY: Yeah.

  BEVERLY: Oh, that is fantastic.

  ANGELA: That was before I met him.

  BEVERLY: What, d’you used to play for the reserves, Tone?

  ANGELA: Oh, no; it was the first team.

  BEVERLY: Honestly, is that true?

  TONY: Yeah:

  BEVERLY: You’re not kidding me?

  ANGELA: No.

  BEVERLY: What, honestly, the first team?

  TONY: For a bit, yeah.

  BEVERLY: Oh, that is fantastic. Hey, Sue, we didn’t know we had a celebrity moved into Richmond Road, did we?

  SUSAN: No, we didn’t.

  BEVERLY: That is fantastic, Tone: that’s really made my night, actually.

  [Enter Laurence. He stops, registers suddenly remembering something, curses silently, spins round, and rushes out.]

  BEVERLY: Laurence! [She gets up.] Would you excuse me a minute? [Going] Laurence!

  [Exit Beverly. Pause. We can still hear Abigail’s music.]

  ANGELA: Nice music. Isn’t it, Tony?

  [Pause. Tony gets up and picks up a plate of cheese-pineapple savouries.]

  TONY: Would you like one of these?

  SUSAN: Thank you.

&nb
sp; [Angela gestures for one. He gives her one silently.]

  ANGELA: Ta. I shouldn’t be eating these. ’Cos we had a big tea. Did you eat earlier?

  SUSAN: Er … no. No, I didn’t!

  ANGELA: Oh, you must be hungry. Here, have some peanuts.

  SUSAN [taking some]: Thank you.

  ANGELA: Are they having a barbecue?

  SUSAN: No.

  ANGELA: Oh, ’cos it’s a nice idea, that, if you’ve got a big garden.

  SUSAN: Yes, it is.

  ANGELA: I’d love to have a barbecue – you know, do baked jacket potatoes …

  SUSAN: Lovely …

  ANGELA: Have sausages and chops. And you can do chestnuts. And have an ox – you know, on a spit!

  [Enter Beverly.]

  BEVERLY: Hey, it’s all happening at your place, Sue. Oh, it’s so funny, Ang. You know your bay window, Sue, at the front? – Well, it’s wide open and there’s this bloke, Ang, he’s gotta be twenty stone and he’s wedged in your bay window; he’s got one of those purple vests on, you know? – and a great big fat belly. And there’s a girl, Sue, standing in your front garden, she’s as thin as he’s fat, and she’s draped round him like this, Ang, and they’re snogging away – you’ve never seen anything so funny in all your life!

  SUSAN: Oh, dear.

  BEVERLY: Now – don’t worry, Sue: ’cos they’re only having a bit of fun, I mean, they’re only teenagers, aren’t they?

  SUSAN: I wonder if I dare just pop down there for a minute.

  TONY: Would you like me to go and have a look for you now?

  SUSAN: Er, no.

  SUSAN: No …; thank you; but I think perhaps it’s better not.

  BEVERLY: No, Sue’s right: it’s best not to pop down there. They’re only having a bit of fun. And let’s face it, when Laurence gets back we can discuss it then. Okay? Now, who’s for another drink? Come on, Ang!

  [Angela joins Beverly at the bar.]

  How about you, Sue?

  SUSAN: No, thank you.

  BEVERLY: Yeah, come on, Sue, give you a little top-up, just to settle your nerves. That’s it. How about you, Tone? Another drink?

  TONY: Ta. Where is Laurence, anyway?

  BEVERLY: I don’t know, actually, Tony. I wish I did know.

  [Angela is wandering round the room.]

  ANGELA: Oh, what a lovely table. This is just what we need. It’s the next thing we’re going to get. ’Cos at the moment we’re eating off our knees. It’s unusual, isn’t it? – with the wooden top and the modern legs.

  BEVERLY: Yeah; it was expensive, that one, actually.

  ANGELA: Yes. Ah! – and this is what I’d really love!

  BEVERLY: What, the candelabra? Yeah, it’s brilliant, isn’t it?

  ANGELA: Yes. Is it real silver?

  BEVERLY: Yeah, silver plate, yeah.

  ANGELA: Yes. And it looks so lovely, and with the light.

  [Angela wanders into the kitchen. Beverly gives Susan her drink.]

  BEVERLY: Sue.

  SUE: Thank you.

  BEVERLY: You all right, Sue?

  SUSAN: Yes, fine, thank you.

  BEVERLY: Yeah. [Pause.] Sue, you must think I’m dreadful! I do apologize: I haven’t offered you anything to eat. I’m sorry! Have some nuts.

  SUSAN: Thank you.

  BEVERLY: Take some crisps, as well.

  SUSAN: Thank you.

  BEVERLY: Now then, Sue, let’s see … would you like a little cheesy-pineapple one?

  SUSAN: Thank you.

  BEVERLY: Tone? A little cheesy-pineapple one?

  TONY: Ta.

  BEVERLY: Take another one, Sue – save me coming back.

  SUSAN: Thank you.

  BEVERLY: Now then, Sue – a little cigarette?

  SUSAN: No, thank you, not just at the moment.

  BEVERLY: Sorry, Sue – I’ll tell you what I’ll do: I’ll pop it on here for you, Sue, and then you can light it when you’ve finished those. Okay? Lovely.

  ANGELA [from kitchen]: Tony, come and have a look at this beautiful kitchen!

  BEVERLY: It’s lovely, isn’t it?

  ANGELA: Oh, these tiles are gorgeous. Were they here when you came?

  BEVERLY: Yeah, we were lucky, actually.

  ANGELA: You were. ’Cos our kitchen’s nothing like this. Tony, come and have a look.

  BEVERLY: Yeah, go and have a look, Tone, they’re beautiful, actually; go on – go and have a look.

  ANGELA: Tony!

  BEVERLY: Go on.

  [Tony goes.]

  ANGELA: Is this a freezer part with your fridge?

  BEVERLY: Yes, it’s a freezer at the top, yeah. [To Sue] He’s nice, isn’t he?

  SUSAN: Yes.

  BEVERLY: Yeah, he’s fantastic. Yeah … they’re a very nice couple, actually; aren’t they?

  SUSAN: Yes.

  ANGELA: Oh, the sink’s got its own light.

  TONY: Leave it!

  ANGELA: And you’ve got one of these!

  BEVERLY: What, the rotisserie? Yeah.

  ANGELA: D’you cook chickens and things on it?

  BEVERLY [joining Angela and Tony]: Well, you can do, but to be honest I’m not much of a cook, so I haven’t actually used it yet, but you can do. And you can also do kebabs, they’re very nice.

  ANGELA: Oh, lovely.

  [Laurence has entered, with a carrier bag.]

  BEVERLY: Would you excuse me, Tony?

  LAURENCE: Oh, hullo, Sue. You all right?

  SUSAN: Yes, fine, thank you.

  BEVERLY: Laurence, where have you been, please?

  LAURENCE: To the off-licence.

  BEVERLY: Those want to go in the fridge, Laurence, to chill. Sorry, Ang, sorry, Tone – come through!

  ANGELA: Thanks.

  BEVERLY: Like to sit down?

  TONY: Ta.

  [Laurence has taken the lagers to the kitchen. Angela and Tony sit down.]

  BEVERLY: Now then, Sue, let’s see … that little cigarette …

  SUSAN: Oh, thank you.

  BEVERLY [lighting Sue’s cigarette]: There we are, Sue.

  SUSAN: Thank you.

  BEVERLY: Now; everybody all right?

  BEVERLY: Great.

  [Beverly collects her drink and sits. Laurence returns from the kitchen. Pause.]

  LAURENCE: Right now: who’s for a drink? Tony, light ale?

  TONY: Not just yet, thank you.

  BEVERLY: Go on; Tone, have a light ale, ’cos he got them specially for you.

  LAURENCE: If he doesn’t want one, he doesn’t have to have one, Beverly. Sue?

  SUSAN: No, thank you.

  LAURENCE: Angela?

  ANGELA: No, I’m all right, thanks.

  LAURENCE: Beverly?

  BEVERLY: No, I’m fine, thank you.

  LAURENCE: Laurence? Yes, please. [He gets his glass.] Thanks very much.

  [Only Angela laughs. Laurence pours his drink.]

  LAURENCE: Well, the party certainly seems to be hotting up at your place, Sue.

  SUSAN: Yes … so Beverly said.

  BEVERLY: Yeah, we were just saying, actually, Laurence, it might be a good idea if a little bit later on, if you and Tony would pop down there.

  LAURENCE: What for?

  BEVERLY: Just to check that everything’s all right, for Sue – put Sue’s mind at rest. Because I know she’s a little bit worried.

  SUSAN: I think it’ll be all right.

  LAURENCE: Yes, Sue, I don’t think there’ll be any problems.

  SUSAN: No.

  BEVERLY: Laurence, I’m not saying there’ll be any problems – all I’m saying is, would you please pop down for Sue?

  ANGELA: You don’t mind, do you, Tony?

  BEVERLY: No, of course he doesn’t mind.

  TONY: No, I don’t mind.

  LAURENCE: Well, I’ve just been past, and everything seems to be all right.

  ANGELA: Didn’t you see what was happening in the garden?

  LAURENCE: Well – yes …

&nbs
p; ANGELA: The couple, snogging through the window?

  LAURENCE: Through the window?

  ANGELA: With the dirty vest?

  LAURENCE: No. No, I saw a couple down the side of the house, and there were a few in the porch. But I didn’t see anybody in the window.

  TONY: Would you like to sit down here, Laurence?

  LAURENCE: No, no – you stay where you are.

  ANGELA: No, sit here – there’s plenty of room.

  LAURENCE: Thank you.

  [Laurence sits on the sofa between Angela and Susan.]

  LAURENCE: Anyway, Sue: these sort of things, they happen at parties.

  SUSAN: Yes, of course.

  LAURENCE: I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about.

  SUSAN: No.

  BEVERLY: Actually, Laurence, I think you’re being very unfair to Sue.

  SUSAN: Oh, not at all.

  BEVERLY: Now, Sue, don’t make excuses for him. And apart from anything else, Tony has already agreed to go actually.

  LAURENCE: Oh, have you?

  TONY: Yeah.

  LAURENCE: Yes, well, I didn’t say I wouldn’t go. If she wants us to go down there, surely, of course we’ll go.

  SUSAN: Well, I don’t know that I do, really.

  LAURENCE: Fine.

  ANGELA: Tony doesn’t mind going on his own, do you?

  TONY: No, I don’t.

  LAURENCE: I didn’t say I wouldn’t go.

  BEVERLY: Fine, then, Laurence, are you going, please?

  LAURENCE: Yes.

  BEVERLY: Thank you.

  LAURENCE: That’s quite all right.

  [Pause.]

  BEVERLY: I’m not saying there’ll be any trouble, but, with teenagers, they have a drink, and they get over-excited –

  ANGELA: Yes, well, it starts with one kiss …

  BEVERLY: –then they find their way to the bedrooms.

  [Pause.

  Sue flicks ash from her cigarette.]

  LAURENCE: Sue: do you like olives?

  SUSAN: Yes.

  LAURENCE [getting up]: Fine: I’ll get you some!

  SUSAN: Thank you.

  [Laurence goes to the kitchen.]

  BEVERLY: You’ve got a friend for life there, Sue.

  SUSAN: Oh?

  BEVERLY: None of us like olives, you see.

  SUSAN: Ah, I see.

  BEVERLY: I can’t stand them. It’s those stuffed olives – you know that little red bit that sticks out? Well, it reminds me of – well, I’m not going to say what it reminds me of, but I can’t eat them, it puts me off.

  [Laurence has returned.]

  LAURENCE: Sue?

  SUSAN: Thank you.

  [During following Laurence sits between Susan and Angela, and eats a couple of olives. After a while he starts looking for something in his pockets.]