Abigail's Party Read online

  ANGELA: Well, not everyone can like everything, can they? It’s like Tony, he doesn’t like curry, and I love it. So we never go in Indian Restaurants now, do we?

  TONY: No.

  ANGELA: And you can get English food in Indian Restaurants – I mean you can have chips with your meal instead of rice. But you see Tony had a bad experience in an Indian Restaurant – this was before I knew him –

  BEVERLY: Yes?

  ANGELA: He had a nasty dose of gastro-enteritis after he’d had a curry, and you see that put him off.

  BEVERLY: Yes.

  ANGELA: And he won’t even eat curry at home, now. Which is a shame, because I enjoy making it; it’s a good way of using up leftovers. Have you ever tried pilchard curry?

  BEVERLY: No.

  ANGELA: That’s a very economical dish. And it’s easy: just get one of those big tins of pilchards in tomato sauce, and mix it with curry powder and onions, and it’s really tasty.

  BEVERLY: Oh?

  ANGELA: I used to share this flat with these girls, and we often used to do that. But you see, Tony won’t touch it. But then, I don’t like Turkish Delight, and you see, Tony loves that.

  [Laurence is looking in his pockets for something.]

  BEVERLY: Darling, have you got heartburn?

  LAURENCE: No.

  BEVERLY: Have you got heartburn?

  LAURENCE: No, I haven’t got heartburn. [Laurence gets up and goes to his case.] Just a slight case of indigestion, that’s all.

  [During following, Laurence gets out an antacid tablet and eats it. Then he gets out a small cigar.]

  BEVERLY: I thought so. This is it, you see, Ang. He came in late, and he was all upset; ’cos he’s very highly strung, Sue, and this gives him heartburn.

  ANGELA: He must be careful, then; because when I was working in intensive care, the people who’d had a cardiac arrest, they were nearly all business men, and those who were worrying about their work.

  BEVERLY: I hope you’re listening to this, Laurence.

  LAURENCE: Yes, I’m listening! Cigar?

  TONY: No, thank you. I’ve just given up.

  LAURENCE: Are you sure?

  BEVERLY: Yeah, go on, Tone, take a little cigar, enjoy yourself, go on, take one!

  LAURENCE: Yes, go on, take one.

  TONY: Thank you. [He takes one.]

  ANGELA: Tony! Oh, well, that counts, doesn’t it? I mean, if he’s having a cigar …

  BEVERLY: Yeah, come on, Ang!

  [Angela taking a cigarette.]

  LAURENCE: Sue –

  ANGELA: Thanks!

  LAURENCE: Would you like one?

  SUSAN: Er – no, thank you.

  LAURENCE: Some women do like them, you know, Sue?

  SUSAN: Yes, so I understand, but I’ve got a cigarette.

  LAURENCE: Oh. [To Tony] Light?

  TONY: Ta.

  ANGELA: ’Course, smoking’s one of the chief causes of heart disease.

  SUSAN: But it’s just contributory, isn’t it?

  ANGELA: Well, yes, but if somebody’s got a tendency towards that condition, they really shouldn’t smoke.

  LAURENCE: No, no, no. I don’t believe that smoking, in moderation, can do any harm at all.

  BEVERLY: Laurence, would you like to put a record on for us, please?

  LAURENCE: Yes, surely; what would you like to hear?

  BEVERLY: Feliciano.

  LAURENCE: Oh, no, Beverly. [Going to records] We don’t want to listen to that blind Spaniard caterwauling all night.

  BEVERLY: Darling, not classical.

  LAURENCE: Light classical – just as background. [Producing a record] Sue, d’you know James Galway?

  SUSAN: Yes, I’ve heard him.

  LAURENCE: He’s a very up-and-coming young flautist. Do you like him?

  SUSAN: Yes, he’s very good.

  LAURENCE: Fine, I’ll put it on for you.

  BEVERLY: Laurence, I’m sorry, but we don’t want to listen to classical music at the present moment.

  LAURENCE: Well, what do you want to listen to, then, Beverly?

  BEVERLY: Feliciano.

  LAURENCE: Well, if everybody wants to listen to Feliciano, we’ll put it on.

  BEVERLY: Tone, d’you like Feliciano?

  TONY: Yeah, I do.

  BEVERLY: Yeah, he’s fantastic, isn’t he? Sue?

  SUSAN: I don’t know him, I’m afraid.

  ANGELA: Oh, you’ll like him. He’s lovely.

  BEVERLY: Yeah, Sue, he’s really great. Sue: would you like to hear him?

  SUSAN: Yes …

  BEVERLY: Yeah? Laurence, Angela likes Feliciano. Tony likes Feliciano, I like Feliciano, and Sue would like to hear Feliciano: so please: d’you think we could have Feliciano on?

  LAURENCE: Yes.

  BEVERLY: Thank you.

  [During following, Laurence puts on the record (José Feliciano: Feliciano, Track One, California Dreamin’).]

  ANGELA: Oh, it changes colour, doesn’t it?

  BEVERLY: What, the fibre-light? Yeah! Isn’t it beautiful, Ang?

  ANGELA: Oh, it’s lovely!

  BEVERLY: Yeah … D’you know what I do, Ang? I put a record on, and I sit in that chair, and I just gaze at it for hours.

  ANGELA: Do you?

  BEVERLY: Yeah. It’s funny, it always reminds me of America. I don’t know why, but it does.

  [Pause.]

  ANGELA: Oh, yes, it’s New York, isn’t it?

  BEVERLY: Yes, I suppose it is, really …

  ANGELA: How are you enjoying your cigar?

  TONY: Very nice, thank you: how’s your cigarette?

  ANGELA: Oh, it’s lovely. Mind you don’t choke on it! You see, he’s not used to smoking a cigar: he doesn’t know what to do with it.

  BEVERLY: He’ll be all right. Tone: would you like another drink?

  TONY: Ta.

  BEVERLY: Yeah? How about you, Ang?

  ANGELA: Please.

  BEVERLY [taking glass]: Thanks. Sue?

  SUSAN: Oh, no, thank you.

  BEVERLY [taking Sue’s glass]: Yeah, come on, Sue – I’ll give you a little top-up. That’s it.

  [Beverly is joined at the bar by Tony. The music is just starting. During following, Laurence returns to sit between Angela and Susan.]

  BEVERLY: Like to help yourself, Tone?

  TONY: Ta.

  BEVERLY: It’s a fantastic drink, Bacardi, isn’t it?

  TONY: Yeah.

  BEVERLY: Yeah.

  TONY: I first started drinking it when I went to Majorca.

  BEVERLY: You’ve been to Majorca?

  TONY: Yeah.

  BEVERLY: Ah, great. Where d’you go?

  TONY: Palma.

  BEVERLY: Not Palma Nova?

  TONY: That’s right, yeah?

  BEVERLY: Oh, fantastic – isn’t it beautiful there?

  TONY: Yeah.

  BEVERLY: They drink it very long there, don’t they, with lots of ice and Coke and all that, yeah. It’s my dream, actually, just lying on the beach, sipping Bacardi-and-Coke.

  ANGELA: Have you always had a moustache?

  LAURENCE: What d’you mean?

  ANGELA: Have you had it for a few years?

  SUSAN [given drink]: Thank you.

  LAURENCE: Yes.

  ANGELA: Never thought of having a beard to go with it?

  LAURENCE: No.

  BEVERLY: No, Laurence wouldn’t suit a beard, Ang, his face is too small.

  LAURENCE: Actually, I think a beard can look very scruffy.

  ANGELA: Yes, but I think a man with a moustache and a beard, they look more masculine.

  BEVERLY: Sexier, isn’t it?

  ANGELA: Mmm. Has your husband got a beard?

  SUSAN: No, no. He used to have … a long time ago … when I first knew him.

  ANGELA: Why did he shave it off?

  SUSAN: Well, he grew out of it.

  [Pause.]

  LAURENCE: Do you play any instruments yourself, Sue?

  SUSAN
: No. No, I used to play the piano when I was a child.

  LAURENCE: Oh, the piano?

  SUSAN: Just a little.

  LAURENCE: I once went for guitar lessons … but I never kept them up.

  SUSAN: That’s a pity.

  LAURENCE: Yes, I’ve often regretted it.

  [Pause.]

  LAURENCE: You know, I think musicians and artists, they’re very lucky people: they’re born with one great advantage in life. And d’you know what that is? Their talent. They’ve got something to cling to. [Pause.] I often wish I’d been born with that sort of talent. [Pause.] Most people, they just drift through life, without any real aims. They’re weak. It’s no good just sitting there, whining. You’ve got to get up, and do something about it. Not that it isn’t a fight. Of course it is. Life is a fight – people always seem to be against you. Not that I’ve done badly – oh, no: I’ve done all right! But it’s certainly an uphill battle.

  ANGELA: I once went to a party, and they said, ‘Can anyone play the piano?’ And I said, ‘Oh, yes, I can.’ And you see, I can’t play the piano – I’d just learned this one tune from a friend. It was

  ‘Buy a broom

  Buy a broom

  Buy a broom,

  And sweep the room!’

  – And that’s all I knew. And you see, they wanted me to play for musical chairs. So I started:

  ‘Buy a broom

  Buy a broom …’

  – And I played it a few times.

  BEVERLY: Yeah?

  ANGELA: And then I thought, well, I’ll have to do something a little bit different. So I started, y’know, just –

  BEVERLY: What, vamping?

  ANGELA: Yeah.

  BEVERLY: Yes.

  ANGELA: But as I can’t play, it sounded terrible. And I felt such a fool. I thought, why did I say, y’know, I’d play?

  BEVERLY: When was this, Ang?

  ANGELA: Oh, it was only when I was eight.

  BEVERLY: Oh, I see!

  ANGELA: Oh, yes. I still felt a fool, though.

  BEVERLY: Would anybody mind if I turned this next track up? Because it’s my favourite, it’s ‘Light My Fire’, and I’d like us all to hear it. Anybody mind?

  BEVERLY: No? Great. [She turns record up.] Fantastic, isn’t he?

  ANGELA: Yeah. I know this one.

  BEVERLY: Yeah? D’you think he’s sexy, Ang?

  ANGELA: Yes. But it’s a pity he’s blind.

  BEVERLY: Yeah. Mind you, I reckon that makes him more sensitive. D’you know what I mean?

  ANGELA: Mmm. Yes.

  [Beverly proceeds to dance solo in front of the others, and across the room.]

  BEVERLY: D’you like him, Tone?

  TONY: Yeah.

  BEVERLY: Knockout, isn’t he?

  [Beverly continues dancing, helping herself to a crisp as she passes by the coffee-table.]

  BEVERLY: This used to turn me on at parties, Tone, eight years ago – that’s how long I’ve liked him. [More dancing.] And, imagine making love to this? D’you know what I mean?

  [Angela laughs.]

  BEVERLY [squeezing Laurence’s shoulder]: Are you all right, Laurence?

  [Beverly dances away from the others with her back to them. Laurence suddenly jumps up, rushes to the stereo and turns it off]

  LAURENCE: Are you ready, Tony?

  BEVERLY: Thank you, Laurence!

  LAURENCE: Don’t mention it. Are you ready?

  TONY: What for?

  LAURENCE: Well, Sue wants us to go and inspect the party; I think we should go and inspect it.

  BEVERLY: Fine, Laurence: would you like to go now, please?

  BEVERLY: It’s all right, Sue.

  LAURENCE: Are you coming, Tony?

  TONY: I think so.

  LAURENCE: Well, come on, then!

  [Laurence goes. Tony gets up to follow …]

  SUSAN: I really think it would be better if you didn’t.

  TONY: It’s all right. Just take a walk past your house: put your mind at rest.

  BEVERLY: Don’t worry, Sue; Tony’ll handle it.

  TONY: Won’t be long.

  BEVERLY: Take care.

  [Exit Tony. Pause.]

  BEVERLY: I’m sorry about that.

  ANGELA: Oh, that’s all right. Shall I put the record on again?

  BEVERLY: No, don’t bother, Ang, because he’s spoiled it now.

  ANGELA: Oh, and you were enjoying yourself!

  BEVERLY: Yeah, well we were all enjoying ourselves, weren’t we? [Pause.] To be quite honest, he’s a boring little bugger at times, actually. [Pause.] Anyway, sod him. Come on, let’s all have a drink!

  ANGELA: Yeah.

  BEVERLY: Come on , Sue!

  SUSAN: Oh, no, really –

  BEVERLY [taking Susan’s glass]: Yeah, come on, Sue, that’s it!

  [Angela has joined Beverly at the bar.]

  BEVERLY: I’ll tell you what: let’s all get pissed. Yeah!

  ANGELA: Yeah. We can enjoy ourselves.

  BEVERLY: Yeah. Cheers, Ang!

  ANGELA: Cheers!

  BEVERLY: Cheers, Sue.

  SUSAN: Thank you.

  ANGELA: Cheers!

  SUSAN: Cheers.

  BEVERLY: Come on, Ang: have a little cigarette while he’s gone, sod him.

  ANGELA: Oh, yeah, while he’s out.

  BEVERLY: Yeah, come on. That’s it.

  [Beverly and Angela light their cigarettes.]

  SUSAN: I think I’m going to be sick.

  ANGELA: Are you? Come along, then.

  BEVERLY: Come on, Sue.

  ANGELA: Where’s the toilet?

  [Angela and Susan are on the way out of the room.]

  BEVERLY: Under the stairs, Ang, in the hall. Take deep breaths, Sue.

  ANGELA: Hold on a minute.

  BEVERLY: Take deep breaths: you’ll be all right.

  [Pause. The following from offstage …]

  ANGELA: That’s the way. Bring it all up. That’s it. Better out than in.

  [Beverly reacts.]

  BLACKOUT

  Act II

  Same as Act I. A bit later. Beverly has put the lights on, and is pouring drinks. Enter Angela.

  ANGELA: She’ll be all right now.

  BEVERLY: Yeah, she’ll be all right, Ang.

  ANGELA: I’ve just left her on her own for a minute, to sort herself out.

  BEVERLY: Yes. She’s been sick, hasn’t she?

  ANGELA: Yes.

  BEVERLY: Yeah. And I’m making her a little black coffee, Ang, so that’ll help to revive her a little bit, you know?

  ANGELA: Mmm.

  BEVERLY: Cheers, Ang.

  ANGELA: Cheers!

  BEVERLY: Cheers!

  [They drink. We can still hear Abigail’s music.]

  ANGELA: I think she’s had a few too many gin-and-tonics.

  BEVERLY: So do I.

  ANGELA: And on an empty stomach.

  BEVERLY: Really?

  ANGELA: Oh, yes – she’s not had anything to eat tonight.

  BEVERLY: Now, she’s silly, isn’t she? She should have had a meal.

  ANGELA: Yeah, well, we had a big meal earlier on.

  BEVERLY: Yeah, well, I had a meal.

  ANGELA: We had lamb chops.

  BEVERLY: Did you? Yeah, I had a little frozen pizza.

  ANGELA: And she’s trying to keep up with us.

  BEVERLY: Yeah, yeah; and another thing, Ang, I think she’s the type, her nerves, give her a nervous stomach. She has a few drinks, and that makes her sick.

  ANGELA: I knew that, and I thought, that’s what brought this on.

  BEVERLY: Yeah. And it’s a shame, ’cos she’s ever so nice, isn’t she?

  ANGELA: Yes.

  BEVERLY: Yeah.

  ANGELA: I feel a little bit sorry for her.

  BEVERLY: So do I, Ang.

  [Enter Susan.]

  ANGELA: All right?

  SUSAN: Er – yes … thank you.

  BEVERLY: All right, Sue? –
ah, come through. That’s it. She still looks a little bit pale, doesn’t she, Ang?

  ANGELA: Yes. [Taking Susan’s glass] I’ll take that.

  SUSAN: Thank you. Sorry.

  BEVERLY: Don’t worry, Sue. That’s all right.

  ANGELA: Come and sit down. That’s it. You sit down here and your soda-water’s there. Now, lean forward a minute, lean forward.

  [She props an extra cushion behind Susan’s back.]

  That’s it. Lovely. All right.

  BEVERLY [coming from kitchen]: Now look, Sue, I’ve made you a little black coffee, now I’ve made it nice and strong, and I haven’t put any milk in it, case that makes you sick again. All right?

  SUSAN: Actually, I think it would be better if I didn’t.

  BEVERLY: Are you sure, Sue?

  SUSAN: Yes.

  BEVERLY: Oh, all right, then, I’ll tell you what I’ll do: I’ll pop it on here for you. Now, will you try and sip that for me, Sue? – because it will help to revive you. All right?

  ANGELA: Have you got a headache?

  SUSAN: Yes, just a bit.

  BEVERLY: Would you like a little Aspro, Sue?

  SUSAN: Oh, no, thank you.

  BEVERLY: Are you sure?

  SUSAN: Yes.

  ANGELA: No, she’s better just with soda-water, ’cos she’ll only bring it up.

  BEVERLY: I’ve got it! Just a minute; let’s see … [looking in her handbag] yeah, here we are. Now look, Sue, this is only a very light perfume …

  SUSAN: I’m all right, actually!

  BEVERLY [applying perfume to Susan’s face]: Now, Sue, it will just help to freshen you up a little bit. Because when you’ve been vomiting, Ang, you feel horrible, don’t you?

  ANGELA: Yeah.

  BEVERLY: Yes. That’s it. [Applying some to her own hand] It’s lovely, actually. It’s Estée Lauder, ‘Youth Dew’.

  ANGELA: Mmm.

  BEVERLY: Would you like to try some, Ang?

  ANGELA: Oh, yes!

  BEVERLY: Yeah.

  [Angela helps herself to a liberal dose.]

  BEVERLY: You only need a little drop, Ang!

  ANGELA: Oh.

  BEVERLY: ’Cos it’s quite strong, actually, yeah. That’s it.

  ANGELA: Mmm, it’s nice.

  BEVERLY: Yes, it’s beautiful, isn’t it? Now does that feel a little bit fresher, Sue?

  SUSAN: … Thank you.

  BEVERLY: Yeah?

  [Pause.]

  SUSAN: Sorry about that.

  ANEGLA: Oh, there’s no need to be sorry, is there?

  BEVERLY: Sue – Don’t worry. Let’s face it, it could happen to any of us, couldn’t it?